Every year, just weeks after their arrival, the freshly imported denizens of North Campus are set to the task of electing Student Assembly overlords representatives to complain to the University on their behalf. Despite not having any clue as to the breadth or depth of campus issues, each candidate is required to come up with a campaign platform. Below are some of this year’s more brilliant statements.

VOTE FOR ME, I’M FROM ALASKA!

I want to be known as the guy who positively changed the lives of students here and made the overall Cornell experience better as a whole.

Making sure that breaks don’t fall on weekends…and introducing later TCAT hours—especially to and from the airport.

Would you like to see safe roadways in the winter? More effective TAs? A course shopping period? A free net print allowance for freshmen? More air-conditioned buildings? A 24-hour café? We can work to make it happen if you elect me to the Student Assembly.

Finally, I’ve decided to run because ziplines. We need some of those.

Class of ’16! You’re all wonderful people who deserve a wonderful first year at the most wonderful school of all time (with the exception of Hogwarts, where I am waitlisted).

I feel that this is a wonderful opportunity for me to be involved in a decision making process I’ve been watching all my life.

Paperless classes (look for my sustainable posters)

Hey there, you reading through this oh-so-long list of candidate profiles for the Student Assembly, would you like a free puppy?

VOTE [student’s name] AND HAVE IT YOUR WAY

Since an actual political office is unattainable at this point in my life, I feel that holding a student position would be a good start and provide me with vital experience for future positions in my life.

I have always had this theory that lines constrain the cognitive functions of the brain and don’t allow people to truly think outside of the box. Through my efforts to stay true to my idea, I have begun to avoid walking on set paths in order to keep my mind more open.

I like Cornell. A lot.

I watch MSNBC religiously.

Many of these freshmen do not yet realize the great inertia of the administration, or the importance of the almighty dollar. As the Class of 2016 will soon realize, it comes as no surprise that many of these proposals are brought up year after year by new freshmen, yet are never acted upon.

Extending dining hall hours will require hiring and paying more Dining staff. Is the convenience of walking to RPCC instead of Appel for lunch really worth raising the cost of more expensive meal plans for everyone? In this age of budget and program cuts, what influence does the SA really expect to have on issues that could affect the school’s bottom line (like putting air conditioning in the Low Rises)? And as we have recently seen, changing break scheduling requires not only the SA but the general consent of the Faculty Senate, the Administration, and the individual Colleges; and in politics there will always be a dissent.

That being said, congratulations to new SA reps Ian Harris, Matthew Stefanko, Thomas Garrison Lovely, and Juliana Batista. May you realize sooner rather than later not to raid or raise the Student Activity Fee for pet projects, not to bow to special interests, and to stand up for students and freedom on campus.

Noah Kantro is a Junior in the College of Engineering. He can be reached at nk366@cornell.edu